Acceleration

The end is only the beginning, so we start again. It is a new year, and there is nothing in the way. The last day before the world starts turning again, and this time I will spin it faster. It has been a long few months and there is much I regret not accomplishing but some great things have been created, and others overcome. So I will make peace with what I was able to make out of my life in the last year and look to this year to go only so much farther. To that end I am back around, I will need to do some housecleaning here and fix this up to reflect my current situation but that's all right. It is a year for determination, life will not wait for us but it will have a hard time catching me. All the pieces are in place, now I have only to build upon them. Here I am, where I was meant to be.

Overture

The days sneak up on me ever so carefully and shoot past me at a speed that staggers my perception. The biting cold is neither friend nor enemy, just a sharp reminder, there is work to be done. On the surface it is the same, that overwhelming drive to just be doing. The difference now lies in that unseen purpose, that towering motivation. Once I pushed forward only so I did not have to look back, accomplishing new things left no time to analyze old ones. Even then though, I was stalled. Is it a wonder that I moved so fast? Those around me do not comprehend how I spent days, nights, hours trying to untangle the mess that kept me tied to fear. Being here? No decision I have ever made was more painstakingly considered, more thoroughly examined, every angle searched for any small crack. Is it amusing to me that I knew the answer long before I accepted it? That my heart had made up my mind far before I had finished my interrogation? I look around me now, and I see layer upon layer of answers to my questions. There is no shortage of truth etched in the lines of his face. How easily running from something became running to something greater. It is true whatever forward motion I make now (though it is less of what it should be) I make with a different foundation. Frantic motions and a desperate need to move has become something graceful and fluid, I move now because I can, not because I need to. And in every movement there is that feeling of completion. That certainty that I will not lose that which I so painstakingly gained. There is only this, there is only us, and that is all that needs to be.

Rambling

I am enjoying my darkness for now. Rambling thoughts contained and somehow unleashed to the beat of the music. I have been missing out on far too much music lately. I am trying to remedy that situation though. There are so many things I must do... Sometimes I wonder at how this has all turned out. Here I am with the backbone and the passion to stand up and make the greatest change of my life, yet now I am thrust into a situation with so many other necessary changes. But, I suppose that is the way of the world. From the smallest changes, a shelf over here, some paint over there, all the way up to the bigger things, diet and exercise, etc. Everything around me will be in a constant state of change. I will accomplish the things I have set out to do. Everyday I am getting one slow grueling step closer, but I earn every one of those steps and no one can take them from me. I wish sometimes for a moment to draw a breath, but I fear that if I should take one I will become overwhelmed. I am, I admit not used to such slow difficult change, I have been a proponent of the 'if you don't like it change it, procrastination is for the weak' mentality. Now I must content myself with doing what I can and keeping my eye on all the prizes. I keep looking out the window...at the darkness. I feel the soft chill of the breeze, it's beautiful. If only I could reach out...touch the sky... would I find contained among the distant stars the answer to so many questions I seek? I cannot help but ask so many. Is it tiresome I wonder? Would someone else become weary and collapse amongst the drifting thoughts in my mind? There is so much knowledge to be had in the totality of our universe, in our world and all the celestial spaces. Can it be that the hunger exists only in my own cognizance? My perception of all that encompasses this life....is it not so grand in the eyes of others? Perhaps I will never truly know the answer to that, for never have I found a soul who travels quite the same crooked path as I do. Mayhap that is just as well, I need to be grounded some days. Normal thoughts are not my forte, it is always well to find others who bolster your weaknesses. Still, there is much I would say....so many abstract notions that my conscience has the capacity for, it would be amusing to attempt to write down every thought I have in a day. But then again, no, it would be far to consuming, maybe ten minutes would be more realistic! I do not suppose I could ever keep up with myself though. Even my dreams tend to run faster than me. ...with our eyes wide open, we'll fight til we're broken, we rise and fall... I think back on the gravity of my past, on vivid, calculating memories and wonder in astonishment at how contingency and coincedence has brought about so many things. I am just one person in a world of billions and yet I have perceived a universe both fraught with hate and filled with love, I have discerned the reality of the incorporeal emotions that drive man to greatness. I have held to a truth that it sometimes seems only I may be capable of holding to. I have felt that which does not exist, touched what had no concreteness. How then, can people truly live their lives without searching for these things? Are they really so concerned by so much physical limitation? Do they truly not see how much more waits? Do they not wish to fly? If just one soul can encounter so much in so short a span of time, what else is out there? What have others found on their journey through such an astounding reality? It cannot be that I alone have discovered so much more...can it? But as usual, I digress down a path of silent wandering. I will puzzle and puzzle til my puzzler is sore, with nary an answer but the music and the darkness. It is where I am at home then I suppose. Wrapped in a blanket of night, the music which keeps me tethered to the world around me in so many ways. It is like the bridge that communicates my thoughts into a perspective that may yet give others a glimpse into that whirlwind inside of me. I cannot seem to ever explain myself to those around me. The best I can do is usually contained in these pages, and I know that they are only for me. Who else would remember the between the lines thoughts? Could piece it all together? No, just the ramblings of a troubled soul and a weary heart. Do not presume to think that I am complaining, no, I would have it no other way. Troubled, weary, bent but victorious, that will be my connotation, and I do more than accept that, I embrace it. Is it the road that chooses me or do I choose the road? I journey on the road less traveled, and it seems somedays only I know why. So many topsy turvy priorities in a world that will reward you so graciously if you are willing to stand up and do what it takes to get what you really need. How do they say it? It isn't about who you love, it's about what you're doing about it. Everything will always be about what you're doing about it. Because in your reality there will be no more and no less than that. It is a lesson we would all do well to consider. Of course, it is one those infallible facts of the universe that we all know exactly what lessons we need to learn and yet we all regret not learning them. Chalk it up to the human race, I suppose. We always manage to muck things up quite a bit don't we? After all, here I am simultaneously musing on the wonders of the universe and the lives of others yet realizing that my world consists only of that which I allow to exist in my immediate vicinity. Are we all destined (doomed?) to live enclosed in the walls of contradictions? ....cause if it's coming for you than it's coming for me, and I will be there, and we'll find each other in the dark...

Understanding

So it is with a strange new underlying perception that I begin writing. Never before have I written with any regard as to who may see my words, nor will I begin to do so now. It would make my writing an exercise in futility. I do wonder though if any small glimmering of understanding can be gleaned from that which I write when my thoughts are wandering through the vast universe of a soul that sees so far beyond that which confronts its everyday predilections. Would he even have the patience or the versatility required to unravel the intricate threads of a mind born of decades of familiarity and forebearence, of inwardness and observation, patience and perspicacity. The careless yet exacting brush strokes of a portrait painted by thoughts that catch a wind that cannot be held in the confines of a world as small as what we choose to call our reality. I doubt that ever there will come a soul that will find me on this winding path. I content myself with moments spent at a cross roads. Moments when someones eyes are open just enough to see even a part of what even I cannot comprehend. That is a rare and radiant connection, but to have someone searching me out...? To imagine another soul trying desperately to catch a glimpse of...me? It is a concept that draws some trepidation, though no less awe to me. Strange it may be, yet is it not what every soul wishes? To be understood? In the absence of that to at least know that another truly wants to understand? I hold little hope that anyone else will ever truly comprehend my thoughts and dreams, the full extent of my emotions and my world. But mayhap even a small amount of understanding could go quite a long way. I think I will try this challenge. Though I will still write as if, as always, it was just me.

Forward Motion

...a little more time, was all I needed, somehow fall became spring...

Time, the ample and willing enemy of all conquests and achievements, with weariness following behind as its befitting partner. Too many reasons...

...to experience the bittersweet, to taste defeat then brush your teeth, experience the bittersweet, to taste defeat then brush your teeth, 'cause I struggle with forward motion, I struggle with forward motion, we all struggle with forward motion...

Reasons are just excuses in a business suit, its time to make moves!

 

Pursuing Perfection

We can not attain perfection, but as long as we are pursuing it, we are enhancing our lives. It does not matter if we ever reach the top, as long as we are still climbing we will never fall.